Thursday, December 19, 2019

Boxing Ring

You know, it's funny. I took a Spiritual Gifts Test at school a while back? Well, mine's mercy.
Ironically, I show ZERO mercy to MYSELF.
Everyone says you're your own worst critic, right? And everyone says "Love yourself!" But it's not until recently I realized just HOW much I UTTERLY BERATE myself.
Maybe somewhere along the way I didn't allow myself to make mistakes. I was brutally gaslighted and taken advantage of. Part of this was my naivety. I can be friendly to a point it makes people uncomfortable, and I like to assume benefit of the doubt.
But let's face it. Being a scrawny, short, nerdy, somewhat awkward disabled female didn't help. I was almost begging to be targeted. I often wasn't savvy enough to know when I was being used. One time a boy pointed me, purposefully, down the wrong path at a sixth grade field trip. I walked in the rain for twenty minutes and emerged at my cabin sopping wet, cold and shoes brown with mud. I had gotten there by myself. Eventually.
I guess with this and other incidents -- minor and major -- I assumed the world was a dangerous place. If I didn't shape up, I was opening myself up for attack. I wouldn't make it unless I overcompensated, gave people a reason to not reject me.
Rejection sucks. It really, really sucks. Try to keep a brave face when a guy you confess attraction to in middle school calls you "psycho" and "dropped on the head as a child" for doing so. In his diary. Which is also his math spiral, for some strange reason.
Having suffered a stroke and a brain bleed in NICU, and that being the reason I was... me, those particular choices of insult hurt on more levels I can say.
Full disclosure, all the people referenced in this post are much different now, and at least one I know is actually pretty cool. He played the flute in band.
For all I complain, I can name just as many if not more people who supported me and didn't care about my differences at that time in my life. Lesson being, take stock of not just IF you have sky-high expectations, but what false premise they might be based on.
Life isn't a boxing ring where it's you versus the world. Not everyone will like you, but it's a mistake to tell yourself that everyone is against you. Don't be your own crazy sports parent. You know the ones.
I'm a full hypocrite in this regard, but make it a habit to correct your "I'm stupid," "I'm an idiot," and gradually, it will change. I give all this preface to show you all beliefs come from somewhere, and often you're one of many. Maybe challenge yourself and a friend to correct your self-talk for a week.
Less cool than the Rocky training montage, but with equal value.
Knock em' dead, champ.

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